“We habitually erect a barrier called blame that keeps us from communicating genuinely with others, and we fortify it with our concepts of who’s right and who’s wrong.” ~ Pema Chodron
Before my recovery from substance abuse and love addiction (dysfunctional relationship addiction), I always blamed everyone else for all the things going wrong in my life. I was the perpetual victim and everything was happening “to me”. I always felt like “why is this happening to me??? Why do all the men in my life cheat on me, lie to me, put me down, call me names and abuse me?” Through my recovery process I came to understand that nothing was happening “to me”, it was all happening “for me”. These lessons kept coming for three decades, until I finally got it.
The great Law of Karma states “As you sow, so shall you reap”. This applies directly to what I was experiencing, even though I felt I was the victim. My Karma was that I would continue to get the lessons over and over until I learned from them. I was unconsciously choosing to continue this cycle of suffering by not learning from the lessons that were being presented to me. These lessons were trying to teach me that NO relationship, except the one with myself, was going to give me the love that I needed to heal. I was not going to heal my wounds by finding the right man to love me.
Yes, I had been a victim when I was an innocent child, but that was long ago. The situations that I was participating in as an adult were happening because I had not healed from my childhood trauma, which had left me with insecurity, shame, guilt, and lack of self-love. Because I had not healed, I kept getting into relationships that would ultimately cause me great suffering. I would then blame the other person and make myself “right” and them “wrong”, which kept me stuck in that never ending cycle of blaming and justifying. I could then justify my coping mechanisms, which were self-sabotaging and kept me stuck in the proverbial “vicious cycle”.
The lesson that life was trying to teach me was that I needed to heal from my childhood trauma and open my heart to the love that was buried under the layers of fear. The love that was hidden under the fear was the love for myself. Once I truly faced my fear, I was able to tap into that deep well of love that was there for me. I was able to see clearly that life was not happening “to me”, it was happening “for me”. It was trying to teach me the ultimate lesson. That there is nothing out there to “get” that would provide me with the love and happiness that I was seeking. All that I needed and wanted was with me all along, all I needed to do is look within.
Looking within is not something that happens overnight. It is a process of healing, forgiveness, self-compassion and self-inquiry. It takes time and perseverance, but it has the biggest reward if you do it! It is the Hero’s Journey. You become the hero of your life when you get tired of being the victim of your life and become willing to face your fears. When you learn to love yourself unconditionally, your whole life heals. You break the cycle of Karma.
Dive deep into your own heart, discover your own true self, and you will find everything you were searching for “out there”.
Peace and Many Blessings